WisdomCircle: Upskilling

Most couples retire without thinking about the fact that they may well be single soon either due to death or (these days) divorce.  While death of a partner is an eventuality that most married couples face, “gray divorce” is becoming more prevalent these days, even in India.

Gray divorce is a term denoting a separation that happens after the couple’s hair turns gray – divorce in your 50s and 60s. While this has been on the rise in Europe and America for a while, it is on the uptick now in India too.

Gray divorce happens by choice or circumstance. The circumstantial reasons are easy to understand and are often initiated by the woman – abusive marriages, putting up and shutting up till the kids are grown, wanting to break free from a controlling husband, gaining financial independence late in life.  Consider the following real-life scenarios, all of which have happened to people I know in the recent past.

1. My cousin, an army wife, moved 22 times to different army stations with her Colonel husband.  After he retired, she shocked our family (and most of all, her husband) by deciding to walk out of the marriage to pursue her lifelong interest in acting. “Enough is enough,” she said cryptically when questioned about her choice. The fact that she had just come into an inheritance thanks to her parents’ passing was probably the prod.
2. A 23-year-old son who had witnessed his parents fight all through growing up, sat them down when he got his first job, and asked them to separate.  Shocked at first, the parents slowly understood the wisdom of what their son was saying.  It took a few years but they are now amicably divorced. She pursues bonsai and ikebana at a high level and he has taken up golf with a newfound set of friends.
3. A wife who had raised her three children in a Marwari joint family decided to walk out the minute her youngest left for college in the States.  Even though she was not financially independent, she had started a baking business and was growing it.  Leaving the comfort of her married home was a choice of  “freedom over oppression” in her mind.
4. What began as a passionate romance between opposites soon turned into a lifeless marriage for my college friend. After years of leading largely separate lives but staying together for their special-needs child, the husband confessed to an affair at age 58 with someone from his bridge team.  Aghast and betrayed at first, the wife agreed to a divorce.  Racked with guilt, the husband ended up being more involved as a parent to their grown autistic son than he had ever, leaving the wife more time to pursue her interest in farming.  She now has a small farm and he is married to his bridge partner.  They co-parent their son.

What type of marriage do you have? Uncomfortable question I know, but the reality is that none of us have perfect marriages, only different ways of fighting. Are you a screamer or a sulker? Do you keep tabs of who said sorry last time? Do you say sorry after a fight? Some marriages are held together by one partner, either because they believe in the sanctity of marriage or because they know that divorce is an easy choice but not necessarily a better long-term option.  There is usually one “adult” in the marriage.  Some marriages are held together by the business of life – raising children, running a business, caring for ageing parents, being so busy that neither spouse has time to think.

When you turn 50 or 60, things slow down a bit.  The kids have left home and for many, the parents too are gone. It is then that you are confronted with the reality of who your spouse is and whether you want to adjust to him.  The couples that choose divorce are saying No to this adjustment. But what if you don’t want to end up divorced? What if you see enough goodness in your partner in spite of all the horrible fights you have been having? What if you think your spousal relationship is worth fighting for?

I happen to be in this situation.  My husband and I have had our usual share of fights but we still enjoy each other. We are similar to many couples we know in that our interests are very different.  How many folks do you know like this? Or maybe you are this type of couple.  He enjoys sports, she doesn’t. He likes outdoorsy stuff, she doesn’t.  She likes socialising, he doesn’t. She likes tradition, he doesn’t. The question for couples who essential have an interest null-set is how they want to evolve in the later stage of their marriage. Do they want to develop interests or activities that they can do together? Or do they keep their different interests and do family things together: watch TV shows, hang out with kids, travel, and so on.

My learning is that while couples don’t need to have the same interests, they need to stretch their skills. They should each build a survival-toolkit by learning the basics of those activities that the other spouse currently takes care of. If your husband is taking care of your finances, maybe you ought to learn the basics of investing, just in case.  If you wife is the one who creates your social life, maybe you ought to learn how to make friends. The same with cooking for men and taking trips alone for women.  Do the things that scare you before you are forced to do them.

A partnership works because of division of labour. To be true partners, perhaps you must become like each other. After retirement, the husband could cook and keep house.  The wife could balance their books. Upskilling does not always have to involve taking a class. Sometimes the best teachers are within your home, even if they irritate you like no other.