Some time ago, when my book was published, I sent the following email to NDTV.
From: Shoba Narayan
Subject: Immigrant angst, NRIs, diaspora
Date: October 7, 2012 11:13:23 AM GMT+05:30
To: [email protected]
Dear NDTV newsdesk:
I am sure you get a lot of requests from people wanting coverage on issues. Let me add one more.
In case any segment producer is doing a story on immigrants or NRIs, or the Indian diaspora, I would like to submit my second book, “Return to India: a memoir,” as a good fit.
I’d be delighted to send a copy of the book in case you’d like to see it.
Thanks and kind regards
Shoba
Details below.
http://www.dialabook.in/books/return-to-india_1_28191.html
It was an email to the proverbial “slush pile.” I didn’t think anything would come of it, because the feeling is that in India, you need “pull” to make things happen. As it turned out, some weeks later, a correspondent called Maya Sharma, who is Bangalore-based got in touch and did an interview. She tweeted about it too.
http://social.ndtv.com/mayasharma/permalink/112503
Sharma said that top/senior producers– including Radhika Roy– actually look through emails that come cold to that email address. So if you are an author that wants to publicize your book, might be worthwhile sending an email to news [email protected]
Yesterday, a couple of people told me that I was on TV. Here is the link. I haven’t watched it yet, because the vegetable lady just arrived downstairs and I need to go!!
For the record, I am a fan of NDTV. It really irritates me that even news-junkies like my father-in-law (who has no agenda) now watches the shrill Headlines Today these days. He watches all news channels for sure, but often it is Headlines Today. Why is that? Is the age of dignified news over?
Thank you, NDTV!
Oh, and if you haven’t watched the TV show, “Newshour,” it is a great show.
Hi Shoba,
Wow – finally got to see you in flesh on NDTV! So happy to note that they contacted you and set up an interview.
Cheers
Jayanthi
Hi I just saw your NDTV bit, good interview. You know I have written highly (and justifiably so) about your RTI book. But I did feel a small tinge of something when I saw your interview.
You’ve said that the “India question” was motivated by your own feelings, various after-dinner conversations etc. But I am really curious (and come on, you can only dodge the question so long, esp after you said your book was “more truthful” than others) as to this. Would you have moved back if (a) your hubby didn’t have the “transfer back” option or (b) you had a well paying (and stimulating and well liked) job yourself? Also, on friends, where I read your last post, and I repeat my question, didn’t you feel a sense of “loss” for your US friends when you left? If you now had to leave India would you miss your India friends (e.g. Sanjana from your post)?
Secondly, you said in the interview that “India is thriving, there’s no need to go [abroad]”. Recall that you yourself left to pursue the arts and sculpture. (You could have done that in India.) Young Indians aspiring to go abroad (whether USA or Europe or Singapore) it is not just about economy/$$/career. It is equally about meeting different people and getting a broader worldview than India.
Pls understand I don’t intend any offense or anything, nor is my faith shattered… Just a gentle and humble and curious reader…
RG
Dear RG:
The answers to your questions
a) probably not
b) probably not
c) Yes, I miss my friends and the milieu of NYC so much
d) Yes, I would miss Shailaja (but she too is a returnee by the way, and given her kids are now going abroad to study, who knows where she’ll end up.
Re: your second paragraph
The problem with taking a stand, particularly when you are flogging your own book, is that it doesn’t allow room for moderation. So yes, you are right in terms of global, stimulating friendships and meetings. But I am also right. Let me describe to you the most satisfying aspect of my day.
Every morning, I go down and collect milk from my own cow. THe cow’s name is Ananda lakshmi and I give her a bucket full of fruit and vegetable peels that we have collected in my kitchen over the last day. No “ecchil” or “gila” or food that humans have tasted can be given to the cow. That is the rule that my cook, Geeta follows and so do I. I chat with my milk-lady, Sarala for a few minutes. I tell her my problems. She gives me advice and therapy. I cross the road to meet my other Sarala– the flower woman who has set up shop and is hand weaving a string of jasmine. I buy Rs. 10 worth of jasmine for my hair. I come home. This texture cannot be recreated in NYC. But others can– talk to your dry cleaner, the Korean deli owner, the garage guy.
In answer to your question, I have had to take a stand. But the problem with taking a stand is that it doesn’t allow room for nuance. Sure, I regret not being in NY in terms of career and writing. But not everyday.
Thanks for your reply Shoba.
Don’t get why your book is taking a stand. Your book is about your choice (which turns out to follow your hubby/family choice). I’m not sure there is a correlation between your choice (to return) and an aspiring student’s choice (to go abroad). However, there is a correlation between following a spouse abroad and then feeling lonesome / identity / etc and so your book is probably better targeted to that latter group i.e. following a spouse abroad.
Tone apart, Vinay does make a strong point. Your cow/flower story is Swades-like, but Vinay correctly observes these longings were not, by themselves, strong enough to drive you to return home. Vinay is probably overboard to label it “premature vanaprastham” but the point is that these stories, while nourishing, are only one element of an essential diet, that surely your children demand more than the satisfactions of jasmine flowers and that your readers expect more as well. It would be a devastating blow if you relegated to “I am now a full-time mom who writes part-time”. Your visceral love for India would be better demonstrated on higher beings than cows (no disrespect) e.g. if you taught school/college kids how to write better so they can improve their chances in the far wide world. (I think you’re doing this now so kudos.) Of course I’m not one to talk about this since I am still in the US and following my career with all my might .. so I’ll just stop here…
-RG
You underestimate cows, RG :) I have become fascinated by them.
What do you do in the US? Just curious.
Ok, I’ll try not to be a “full time Mom who writes part-time.” Not that, as Seinfeld said, there is anything wrong with that. :)
This sort of makes my point from my previous post (here).
I made the argument that you might not (“probably not”) have moved if it hadn’t been for hubby’s career. Your book starts off, with understandable literary license, on the lilt of Mohd Rafi songs and after dinner conversations of people discussing moving back to India. But it is ultimately an economic decision (not unlike wanting to go abroad in the first place) and not a Swades moment. If the allure of the pookari / paalkari – heartwarming though that is – was strong enough then it would have been a Swades move. To put a fine point on it – if you were truly (which is to say viscerally) drawn to India then your move would’ve been unconditional – pure Swades.
But far be it for me to question the real motives, for as you said it is a personal choice everyone has to make.
I don’t think there is a basis for “taking a stand”. Your book is a memoir of (just) your experiences; it is not fair to say “that will be your life in 10-20 years” (as you do in your NDTV interview). Surely not so in the case of Zaid or me or your hubby (who, when you first broached the subject, pointed out how comfortable he felt in NYC). It’s totally unfair to say “no need to go [because] India is thriving”. A lot of my team members (men and women, and yes women with children) even in Bangalore are driven to achieve everything they can achieve (including an opportunity to play in the big leagues abroad), and would consider your pookari story as a premature form of vanaprastham. Note this is not meant to degenerate the pookari, just that the time in life to sit back and braid the hair enjoy coffee and read Dhinathanthi is 50+, not 18 or 22.
Shoba you might consider this as a negative post because of the tone which is hard to read in a written reply. But if you knew me you would know I am actually soft spoken. Written words (my arguments and positions) sometimes belie that fact. I’m not writing to criticize or to change your mind. Just to point out that one’s experiences (or one’s book) is not gospel truth and that everyone has to make up their minds for themselves.
Vinay:
I grew up with engineers. I am very familiar with your tone. I appreciate that your tone has changed from your previous posts. :) Bravo!!
I still haven’t seen the interview, mostly because summer holidays are here and there are so many interruptions. Will see what I said and what was edited out.
Shoba my tone hasn’t really changed; my post script is not intended as a tone-down or apology. I am awaiting your reply so I can “bravo” you back on a well made argument :)
Guys I think you’re putting too much load on Shoba.
Vinay I think you make a good point about identity and motive, but just remember that Shoba has been quite open about her choice – really her family’s choice. She did follow her hubby abroad and now they have returned home. Fine, nothing wrong with that, thousands of people do it and it’s all good. Now that she’s cleared up her stance, I fail to see what else you are after by drawing out the distinction. You’ve made the point, so what else?
Mr Gorayan you, too, have made the point about her TV interview. I guess I’ll say that her book offers a point of view which the reader (student, spouse or someone else) is free to interpret on their own. OK, we all understand that “return to India” is really, in the end, a personal choice which Shoba has made quite clear. So again, I am not sure what else to be gained by what appears to become a wearily repeated point??
Thank you NS. I too, was not sure what I was defending.
Hi Shoba,
I just finished reading RTI. Great book, captures immigrant dilemma beautifully. Like any good reader I had some questions so thought I wud post here.
I noticed you didn’t have very strong family connections in US from the start. Very puzzling that your Memphis uncle wouldn’t even sign a silly letter. Obviously this is not just an America thing, Indians are ultimately much more stingy when it comes to money matters. Also, there were no very close friends from your college days. Your post-marriage friends were also pretty much proforma – “compartmental” as you called it. (I know this first hand as we live in Dorchester near Lincoln Center.)
Secondly I don’t know why you got all these Indian/American conflicts after marriage. These conflicts usually resolve themselves (or not) in the early years. In a sense you have replied to this in the part where you finally confess that you were “too Indian”.
What confuses me the most is that you downgraded your childhood friend Zaid when you discovered his small town roots. (Puzzled why you didn’t talk to him about it or, as a good writer-journalist, investigate and write about it?) How would you have felt if the Camp India princess had rejected you upon learning (surreptitiously) that your Nalla-ma wasn’t descended from royalty? To me this is the biggest thorn in the boquet.
It appears the Camp India was the big jolt which created a big fear that your kids may go astray in USA. What puzzles me is that you had all that exposure yourself and you ended up pretty good in life, plus you have the education etc – wasn’t that sufficient to mould your kids in the right ways? (I did not have that exposure since I moved to US after wedding so I am more fearful.) Mainly you then started wearing saris etc, but you had to know that merely wearing saris and dragging kids to temple wouldn’t make the mark anyway. In any case the fact that finally your hubby got a good option to move made it very convenient for you. But question remains if you really wanted to come back home OR, like your NY friends, were just talking about it until the right job opportunity came along.
Anyway it is a good book offering different views on the subject.
Thanks, Srividya. Your note brings back a lot of good memories. Thanks for your detailed analysis. Since you’ve sorta answered many of the questions you raise, let me address them from last to first.
I REALLY wanted to come back home. Waiting for the right opportunity was a marital compromise.
It wasn’t the small town roots that bothered me. It was the pseudo-ness.
I was very different before marriage, thanks to art school. I think art school changes you into a hippie :)
As for family connections, you answered that one !!
Shoba this is quite unfair.
You label Zahid as “pseudo” upon seeing his small-town mother? There is no connection between the two. But it was in fact your family who upon first meeting Zahid actually drew a pyramid and put him at the bottom, “beneath” Tamil “Iyers and Iyengars”.
There is no difference. Zahid got books etc and learnt all about American history and culture and wine and whatnot. So did you and you now write columns about it. You drop names like Oscar Neyemeyer and Campagne bros and geisha-training though your own roots are nowhere near any of those things. One earlier comment (here) asked about these value judgements. That example of a small-town cowherd-turned-oenophile is equally applicable to you and Zahid.
All Indians get a wider perspective when they come to the USA. We develop new interests and hobbies and passions, and we do this without regard to our roots so to speak. Quite disappointing to see you write: “I viewed all acquired American interests as traitorous pretensions – except in my own case”. I hope you were half-joking for it would otherwise clearly be doublespeak.
Mr. N Subramanian I concede your point, but the answer to your question is this. I agree Shoba has now come clean about her choice (in her words “marital compromise”) but it started out with a poignant “I love America”. She returned home and Zahid probably remained in the USA. He married an American and is now all set there. Nothing wrong with either. Except, nobody has the right to “psuedo-ify” anyone; that, sir, is the real point.
Shoba this post will probably get you incensed enough to ban me from your blog. That’s OK, I don’t mind. Nor do I intend any malice or bad feeling unto you. But just remember this.
We all do arrive in the USA with “nothing but our wits” and “claw” our way up. We Indians (esp NYC – I know!) one-up each other all through the way. You told Zahid’s wife Charlotte about your love of ashrams and yoga and Om-mantras. Of course Zahid knows all this isn’t true, so can you imagine what she would have called you when she found out?
A pseudo.
Vinay: You are clearly a careful reader of my work so I don’t want to blow you off with some noncommittal comeback. I have so many contradictions and inconsistencies that it is not funny. Very hard to live with. So I cop to that. I would hope that I am not a pseudo but I can see why I could come across as one.
But here is the thing. Return to India is behind me. Rather than debating content that I cannot change, why don’t you try to influence my future writing? Such as what Mr. NS said about “don’t keep repeating yourself” and “do something different.”
It will be a better use of your time.
And mine
Shoba I am glad you took my comments in the right spirit. I’ll be the first to admit I am not qualified to give suggestions on writing, but I can offer the following in terms of thought process.
You have a natural ‘ear’ for tone but sometimes that might get in the way of the substance – so perhaps ask “what is the writer saying” over “how (tone) it sounds”. Secondly as some others have commented, the “textbook” approach over the “encyclopedia” approach. For example there might be an article with lists of various cities to visit and a one liner about each city (the encyclopedia) and there might be an article with a deep look into a particular city (think Orhan Pamuk in Istanbul, “textbook”). IMHO the “textbook” makes for more substantive and satisfying reading. I guess this is a way of saying build something – narrative, argument, position, counterpoint – instead of retelling / citing something. I do agree with NS comments on repetition and doing things differently. You have it in you. I look forward to your next book, possibly about the dreams of location switched teenagers in the 21st century :-)
Good enough. Very insightful.
OK!
Vinay,
My God you are relentless. You had written earlier that you were an IBanker so “A-B-C” eh?
OK, you’ve worked out that Zaid never mentioned his small town roots and Shoba said some stuff about yoga to his wife etc etc so they are all “pseudo”. But did you notice that Shoba was actually open (to the reader) about her hatred for yoga and her view on acquired American tastes. That takes real guts Vinay. You are NYC banker so if you analyze yourself you’ll find out that the things you say about India (e.g.) when entertaining clients is quite different if they are American vs Indian. In your own words from your post, “nobody has the right to pseudo anyone”. Fact is, we all go through life by examining our hopes and revising our preconceived notions, it is a process. You cannot plot something new (for example, the appreciation of wine) on a graph where it starts with dislike, then becomes “pseudo”, then climbs over the hill of “reality” and ends up in “true appreciation”. “Pseudo” is not a label, much less a permanent one; it’s just a way station on the journey to self-discovery.
In any case your label of “pseudo” doesn’t really apply to Shoba. She was open about her notions in her book as well as in responding to your comment.
Now, please, can I just get you a chilled beer? :)
I just saw your interview and in going through this blog its certainly entertaining to see so many points of view out here. It’s interesting how you’re claiming that your book can be handed to one’s cousin or brother in IIT who is rearing up to go to the USA. Many may not agree. IIT engineers (of which I am one too) make a choice to follow their career abroad. Though I haven’t read your book, but from your articles it looks like you got married and followed hubby to USA and then followed him back to India. (OK there were some other factors around parents and kids and missing mitti-k-khushbu type of thing.) But that’s a totally different trajectory than a professional course student with a goal to maximize their career potential. What they really need is a book on career guidance and confidence building which are pathetic in India. Whether to come back later is their own choice – they’ll read your book if they want to. I don’t mean to cause any offence, just sharing my views.
Read my book, Kaushik. Then we’ll talk.
Shoba I read your book and also a lot of the comments here below. Actually I was talking about your interview, specifically the part about giving your book to one’s cousin who is raring to go abroad.
Your view is applicable to you i.e. housewife point of view, the texture of your cow, milking woman, flower woman etc and your book obviously espouses that view. Nothing wrong with that.
What I am saying is, professional people who want to go abroad (like one of the posters said) are doing so to max their career potential not to join their spouse. In your interview you said, regarding these people “raring to abroad”, that “this will be your life in 10-20 years” and “there is no need to go [because] India is thriving”. I don’t see a basis for that in your book. You (and your hubby) returned home to India because you wanted to come back home i.e. mostly family/”mitti ki khushbu” reasons, not because you wanted to participate in the thriving Indian economy. There’s not a connection between that and the cousin who wants to go abroad to fulfill their career aspirations. Also there’s not necessarily a connection between what happens to them 10-20 years from now and their decision to go abroad now. They may not want to return after all e.g. if they actually (and unlike you) get married to a non-Indian, like “Zahid”.
Ultimately the right book for a career aspirant (at that point in their life) is one that provides leadership and guidance towards their goals, and the right message is to explore their goals to the fullest.
Ok, Kaushik. I get what you are saying. I think that is what a lot of people who post here are saying. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Why am I insulted to be called a housewife? Sad, that.
Dear Shoba,
You have written a fine book. I have to say I am very surprised (pleasantly so) that so many readers have provided such a feedback and vibrant discussion on the subject.
However I feel you have not done enough justice to the housewife syndrome, esp based on your responses to Mr Gorayan’s questions viz would you return if not for hubby job and your own job. (Also telling you first moved to Singapore mainly for hubby job then moved to India.)
Housewife in NYC syndrome is a very common story these days (incl myself). Just like you I got BA from Stella (yeah Chennai!) and moved here with my husband. Though we had a very similar story to yours perhaps only displaced by 10-15 years or so i.e. phone calls etc then wedding in Chennai, honeymoon in Bhutan and then moved to NYC 10 yrs back.
I would say the honeymoon period in USA is great – trips, friends, independence (unfettered by family obligations etc). But after that as you described life is quite hard for an arts graduate. Though they say USA is the land of opportunity and all that, it is quite hard for us to give up Yeats and Shelley for some computer course just so to get a job. Some girls have done just that. Other girls have done what you did e.g. journalism or mass communication etc and so did I. The university experience was great – so many new perspectives – but in the end getting a job as a reported in a reputed publication is next to impossible. I deeply felt what you felt re. rejection letters despite having a top university degree in the city.
That general feeling, where self-worth disappears down the drain slowly, lasts for some time until kids arrive. By then we have a fairly cut-to-cut timetable of activities and dates. But so it is in India. The significant difference between an out-of-work arts graduate mother and a working mother (the computer girl) is just that: self-worth is much higher in the latter. Also a connection to other working mothers. Of course we arts-mothers do what we can e.g. write blogs and make up support groups and such things, but that is never a job. The very fact that you have broken out and found a writing career is a great achievement and source of inspiration for the rest of us.
At this point is when parents begin to have their initial old-age issues or health events or accident or something like that. That and the fact that having American kids who move much much faster. Inspite of all the education you can’t keep up with the Youtube. There is real fear here with sleepovers and parties and boys (ugghs!). Self worth is at an all time low.
The prospect of a home in India does volumes for self-worth. In the US the housewife mom is merely the VP of Operations because access to stuff whether it is groceries or help is equally accessible to both people, but in India the housewife is the CEO. Marshalling a servant and cook and nanny is something a man simply cannot do. Though few will admit it, there is a great self-value in “running the house” and taking care of parents etc – in India. That is the theme both of us embraced in considering to move back to India. In fact your writings on the flower woman and cow chronicles deeply resonate with this. (I do not agree with the chap who said it is premature old age. Without knowing it even men “latch on” – yet again – to cows milk later in life and cannot let go.)
In so far your NDTV interview, I am not sure it is a propaganda book for career boys, rather it is well placed for to-be housewives who want to move with hubbies to USA. One piece of advice is to carefully consider what future career prospects will be when choosing a course of graduate studies in USA. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a blog and writing career like Shoba Narayan.
Dear Vaidehi:
Thanks for your candid and nuanced response to– not just my book, but also to the comments here.
You have made a fine point about where self worth comes from. I am figuring that out myself. As someone who competed with boys in the cricket field growing up, and thought of myself as fearless and daring, the fact that so many readers said that I was “following my husband” (hubby is such a lousy word) was a shock to me. A douse of cold water because it was right. It is a hard pill to swallow, particularly if you think of yourself as independent, fearless, won’t take crap, can stand on own two feet, type person.
But what you describe is more gradual. There was this wonderful book written in the late eighties by a woman (a career woman) who wrote a detailed book about keeping house, how to fold the bed linen just right, etc. Wish I could remember the name. It was favorably reviewed by even the redoubtable Michiko Kakutani in the Times. The part you say about the fulfillment that comes from keeping house reminded me of that book. Perhaps you will write a book like that. I believe you could.
Anyway, I read everything here. Most days, I just go to the Comments section here. My Facebook. Since the quality of comments here is so high, it is hard to respond without sounding pedantic. But everyone here is pushing me towards self-examination including you. Maybe self worth isn’t about proving to the world that you are a feminist and “equal to any boy,” which was my childhood cricket-goal. Maybe self-worth is about embracing the fact that you love to dress up and keep house. Thanks for writing in.
Vaidehi this is awesome, I so totally completely agree with everything you said! I am with Shoba in that you can totally write that book.
Shoba, Vaidehi’s writing actually poses a real feminist question to you.
Feminism is not just about singing “I am woman” and beating the drum. If you had so successfully challenged the boys on the cricket field then why did you not carry that into your education and career? I mean if you were man enough to get to cricket then why not get to business or finance or those high flying professions where men still rule?
You’ll probably say that your passion was elsewhere, which as it turns out went from cooking to sculpture to finally writing. That’s OK, that’s what college is supposed to do, to get you to find your true thing.
OK, but then when you went back to India and your folks started talking to you about marriage etc, the real feminist choice would be to say that you were determined to stand on your own two feet first. Be truly independent. Even if that meant a relatively low-wage sculpture/arts job.
OK I realize that saying something like that in the 80s even for a firebrand sort of gal is probably difficult.
Then you ended up in NYC and joined Columbia which is expensive, but fortunately you had a husband with the means and broadmindedness to support you through school. The real feminist choice would have been to say you will give your writing career a real shot even as a lowly beat reporter. (One can cite green-card or other family matters but those are temporary barriers.)
I guess the “catch all” reply, ultimately, is that family and kids and soccer-mom-ness etc along with the ticking clock of time and the family scope of “needs” takes priority over “feminism”. (Sure as a woman I can identify.) Which is what Vaidehi also seems to indicate.
So the question I pose to all South Asian women is: Is this the real extent of our feminism? Roaring (on blogs and groups and forums) but then quietly crawling back to our homes, check the feminism next to the shoes at the door, and turn into content little wife-mother to a baby with pink bibs and pink cheeks? Tugging at hubby to come away from the blue-glowing bitch of a laptop? Giggling and bellyaching together with all the other “hi, da!” South Asian girls in the condominium?
Is this our model of haldi-kumkum feminism?
Hahaha!!!! Great post, Naina. Haldi-kumkum feminism. Can I quote you on this? Can you say a little about yourself? Either email me or if you are okay– since others will be intrigued too– post it here.
Shoba sure you can quote me… but you haven’t answered the question – is this your brand of feminism?
Yikes!! I am going to wait on this, Naina. See what the gang says. :)
Naina, I don’t know if you know Tamil, but your post is netti addi (bullseye). Your questions and equally penetrating and illuminating and fascinating. I *love* the part about feminism at the door and pink cheeked babies…
Shoba-ji, do you have an answer?
Naina, great post! “Blue bitch of a laptop” – art!
BTW if I remember the book Shoba already had her first child when she moved to NYC (guessing before she went to journalism school) which means literally no time for career.
But I guess Naina your question is “why kids over career” which I’ve got to admit is a pukka feminist question.
Shoba, be careful how you answer this :) The mere mention of marital compromise etc and I’m certain Vinay has his epithet gun loaded and ready to fire — “pseudo”, “double face”, “double think” … BAM!
I am curious how Mr NS “moderates” here…
Guys I am frankly getting bored of the repetitions here :)
Naina, pls read this. I think your definition of feminism is too specific. I would think of it like this: one can be religious but that does not mean become a priest (or priestess). In the same way Shoba, like many other feminists, has feminist views but does not make it their whole life. Gloria Steinem chose feminism to be her whole life’s work but that does not say anything about her marital choices.
I realize this response may not satisfy you. So let me try to answer your questions. Why not career? Well Shoba does have a career as a columnist and writer (2 published books). You are linking feminism and career to suggest that any non-business (or non-male-competitive) career is anti-feminism which I don’t think is the case. By this logic Sarojini Naidu or Mira Dattagupta are not feminists? One might ask the same of you – do you make a choice between career and kids and feminism?
The question of “career [as a beat reporter] over kids” is also the same, no? Shoba chose a traditional TamBrahm road to start a family etc. In a one-income household in NYC, which as you say is expensive, that was her marital choice and did not leave room for a story-chasing beat reporter career. So that is her choice and I’m not sure what else you (can) expect here. It is your catch all reply. It is what it is – a choice. I guess I fail to see how this negates or corrupts her other beliefs?
Now Naina you will ask where is the evolution of feminism here. So here is the answer. See that Shoba’s mother, fairly traditional, opposed Shoba going abroad, but Shoba probably encourages her daughters to study abroad. (Compare with still so many Indian parents who, without experiencing overseas, may be content with their kids studying in India.) That is the age old Gita epic of knowledge driving action (gyanam karmam).
So long story short Naina, the net result is that Shoba made a choice to prioritize family and returning to India over an American career. It makes her an immigrant Indian woman and wife and mother – the full “nine yards”, flowers and all. But it does not make her anti-American or non-feminist or anti-Career.
And I go back to asking what Jed Bartlett asks – “What’s next”???
Mr. NS,
Nice reply and well made points.
I am after a specific thing though. You (and others) say Shoba made a choice. My question is if she felt she had to (TamBrahm norms, hubby-dependent stature etc). It is easy to answer “no, I really wanted to, it (meaning kids and non-career) was the logical zenith of a blissful marriage”. Either way it becomes not wanting economic and political independence i.e. not-feminist.
I give you the “religion but not necessarily priesthood” point. But my point is you can’t say you are “religious” person but when it comes to your own self you actually don’t have faith in God. In this case also Shoba is decidedly vocal about feminism etc, but I am (humbly) questioning why her own choices (yes I agree they are her choices) were not really feminist in nature. It’s like saying you believe in caste-free equality but when it comes to your own home you only hire high-caste help. Choice, yes; caste-free, not in the least.
Anyway it’s pointless for us to speculate, let’s just wait for Shoba to reply…
Naina
I am writing a whole article based on your question :) so thanks for that. Publications hate it if writers post/publish articles before the actual publication (does that make sense) so I am not sure whether to post it here. But the question I am exploring is whether you can be feminist by word and not by deed (as you point out). I know so many Indian women in this situation; and so many NYC women too for that matter. Essentially, the reasons given are: my husband travels so much so “someone” needs to be home to raise the kids and keep the house. I’ll cop to your question/accusation (and I say this without rancor): for all the reasons you list out: green card at first but rationalization thereafter. Odd that I think of myself as fiercely independent and hugely feminist when my choices are fairly traditional. I’ll blame my fairly functional family/parents for that. Perhaps, in order to do brave revolutionary things, you need the mental or familial dysfunction that created a Sartre (takes guts to refuse a Nobel), Wagner, Sylvia Plath, or a Grigori Perelman. Sadly, I don’t have that.
Shoba thanks for a courageous and authentic reply. The fact that you are truthful about your choices is what gets people (at least what I see the regulars) coming back.
I’m not sure I agree about “blaming” your parents. They would not have “blamed” you for choosing a career. Nor do I see a line from achievement back to dysfunction. The world has its Einsteins but also its Paulings and Curies and Sarojini Naidus and Bill Gateses; family dysfunction is neither necessary nor sufficient (after all I am a management consultant!) for high achievement.
I will write this with some hesitation. Exploring feminism in thought v deed is a fluffy fru-fru topic, you’re aiming too low and you’re capable of much deeper/smarter views. Just about every educated and worldly and balanced person has progressive feminist views. But like you and me they have a day job and whilst their opinions are strong, their actual contribution to the issue is sadly weak and limited to their checkbook and occassional group events if that. In a way it’s like Hinduism in India. Nearly everyone has God photos and images at home and celebrates the major festivals (albeit in their devolved and commercialized format these days), but few actually spend time actually reading and understanding the religion and beliefs. I feel this form of para-Hinduism (and para-feminism and para-whatever-else) is the norm of the day. One can say this in many more words, but basically that’s it.
The bigger dilemma is to examine the roots of the import-wife-in-NYC predicament. There are so many resources available (including as Vaidehi wrote) to find an additional course of study and then find a job. Indeed some women are transferring within their firm from India to USA. And in metropolitan cities it is possible to find and train domestic help, yet many modern women are choosing to stay home and completely sacrifice their career aspirations.